The Wonderful World of Harry Potter
by Boooklover12
Summary: A collection of one shots, with everything from time travel to wrong boy who lived. All those ideas I can't get rid of but I'm also too lazy to make into proper stories. Classics and cliches galore. Pairings can and will change.
1. It's Harry Potter!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. At all.**

 **Hey! I'm still alive! I ran out of other fanfiction to read, and I thought, "Hey, why don't I continue that crossover I was writing?"**

 **Well... That didn't work, and I wrote a one shot instead. Oops... Sorry. Then I got to thinking, I've got a lot of one shot ideas floating around... Why don't I put them all** **together? Ta Da!**

 **We're all into those big, dramatic, explosive reveals, right? Here we go.**

"Ha! Your family is broken!"

You would think Voldemort would be less theatrical, but as he stands in front of the entire school, wand raised, pointing at the Potters, he looks very dramatic.

Until he ruins it by cackling maniacally and shooting a killing curse so close to Molly Weasley that she has to knock over Arthur to get out of the way. Then I remember that this isn't a theatre, and I probably will die today, not that anyone will actually care. I left a long time ago. Everyone, including my family (not counting Rose and Howard, because they left with me) thinks I'm a traitor. They believe that five years ago, on my and my twin brother's birthday, I led Death Eaters to my family. They all accept I killed my brother Howard and my sister Rose, and then ran away out of jealousy to be with Voldemort. They think I grew spiteful because of my brother's fame. My brother, Charlus, is the Boy-Who-Lived, and the only one who can defeat Voldemort. People fawn all over him, and because of that, he's a spoiled brat. Why would I want that? I've never been one for the spotlight; it makes me uncomfortable. They are wrong. On that night five years ago my brother lied when he said I ran off with the Death Eaters and murdered my siblings. Everyone believed him, because after all, he is the Boy-Who-Lived.

-Flashback-

 _"Come on, Rose!"_

 _I tear across the front yard, Rose, Howard, and Charlus trailing behind me. Charlus didn't want to come, because he wanted to play with his new presents. His friends and admirers delivered more gifts this year, because ten is a wizarding milestone. I received one present from Mother and Father, an old watch I think Father got last year. It was perfect though, because the hands were thin golden lions, and there were little rubies in the band. I was wearing it on my left arm, and I was flashing it every chance I got. It looked pretty in the moonlight, because the rubies were glowing._

 _"I'm coming, Harry! Go slower!" Rose panted, trying to catch up. She was only a year younger than me, but I was still a head taller._

 _I slid to a stop, just on the edge of the forest._

 _"But I want to see the forest tree in the moonlight!"_

 _The forest tree was the tallest tree in the forest. When you climbed it, you could see everything. I had wanted to climb it at night for years, but our parents had never let us, even though it was on the edge of the forest right by the house. Tonight we were finally old enough, because 'only when we were older' were we allowed. I had asked when we were nine, and Mother had said, "When you're older, ask again." I had asked again tonight, and she had said yes. Granted, she'd had many drinks, and was slightly woozy, but that was good enough for me. And for Father too, apparently, as he had allowed Rose, who was nine herself, and Howard, her twin, to come along after I told him Mother said it was okay. He was woozy too, and he was laughing with Moony slightly too loudly to be normal._

 _"The tree will still be there in two minutes, moron," said Charlus._

 _Charlus didn't like us much, and he wasn't very considerate. Mother and Father didn't notice, because in their eyes he could do no wrong. They didn't like us as much as Charlus, and sometimes they forgot about us._

 _I was the main caretaker of Rose and Howard, and when they were little they always looked to me, not Mother and Father. It was the same now._

 _"One minute Harry, and then we'll be ready," Howard said, slightly doubled over from my run down the stairs and out on the front lawn._

 _They stayed bent over for a minute, while I bounced on my feet with excitement._

 _Rose was the first to recover. "Harry, do you think we'll be able to see everything from up there?"_

 _I grinned. "Maybe! Who knows? I just want to climb the tree because we've never done it at night before."_

 _Charlus rolled his eyes at me. "You just don't want to see all my presents. You only got one. I bet you're jealous."_

 _I frowned at him. "I want to see the tree. We can go see your presents later."_

 _Charlus smirked and started to say something, but Howard interrupted him._

 _"Lets go. I want to see the tree too."_

 _I took off, but I was mindful to go slow enough that they could keep up._

 _After a few minutes, we reached the tree. It was a tall Ponderosa pine, a tree I'd learned about in the Potter library. I read constantly. Everything from Transfiguration to Herbology, I read and I loved it. When my parents saw the large library checkouts, they thought it was Charlus. Charlus didn't tell them otherwise, and because it was him, it was okay. I'd kept doing it ever since, and nobody cares. Recently though, I'd been running out of books._

 _I stopped in front of the tree. For a moment none of us moved. Then Charlus said, "Well? Are you going to climb it or not?"_

 _I unfroze and started toward the tree, my feet making soft pat-pat noises on the pine needle covered ground._

 _Just as I reached the first sap-covered branch, a twig snapped off to our left._

 _My hand stopped inches from the bark and I turned._

 _There, partially hidden in the branches, was a man with a white mask. He wore a black cloak and a sadistic smile, and the edges of his sleeves barely brushed the juniper bushes as he moved forward. He stopped a few feet away from us, and his grin widened._

 _"Hello, children. What are you doing out so late in the middle of the forest?" His eyes landed on me and he stepped closer. "And with the Boy-Who-Lived, no less."_

 _Charlus gulped. He was white as a sheet and shaking. We were not fools. We knew what Death Eaters looked like. Father had told us to scream and run if we ever saw one, but right now we were all frozen with fear._

 _"Come with me and we'll bring you back home, won't we my friends?"_

 _From behind us, three more Death Eaters slipped from the brush. We were surrounded._

 _"Come now, no need to be shy…" He lunged forward, grabbing Rose's arm. "We won't hurt you."_

 _That was it. Rose screamed. The Death Eater clamped a hand over her mouth._

 _"Rose!"_

 _The Death Eater drew his wand. "Shut up, Brat. You! Grab the others! The Dark Lord will want to punish them. The Boy-Who-Lived shall live no more after tonight!"_

 _The other three Death Eaters started toward us, drawing their wands and pointing them at us._

 _"Diffindo!"_

 _A large gash appeared on Howard's chest. Blood began to pour out, staining his white shirt red. He took one look and his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out._

 _"HOWARD!"_

 _I was mad. These people had hurt my brother._

 _I screamed, and my magic exploded outward, knocking the Death Eaters down. The leader flew into the junipers, and the others disappeared farther into the woods. Miraculously, my siblings were untouched. Charlus took one look and sprinted off, never checking to see if we were following. I tried to pick up Howard, but he was too heavy._

 _"Rose…"_

 _That was as far as I got before a wand jammed into my rib cage. The leader had gotten back up, and though slightly disheveled, his mask was still in place._

 _"You little bastard. The Dark Lord shall kill you. Be grateful. Being personally killed is an honor. I can't say the same for your sister."_

 _He moved his wand so it was directly pointed at Rose's face._

 _"Avada Kedavra!"_

 _"No!" I jumped at him, not caring if I hit him or his wand. As luck would have it, I slammed into his wand hand, jarring his aim so the curse missed my sister by inches. The wand flew out of his hand and landed a few feet away, before rolling under the same juniper he'd crashed into earlier._

 _"Mudblood spawn! How dare you touch my wand!"_

 _He started toward the juniper and I wasted no time grabbing Howard._

 _"Rose! Help!"_

 _Rose unfroze and grabbed Howard's feet as I looped my hands under his arms._

 _Doing a weird four-legged race while carrying Howard, we took off into the darkness, the Death Eater right behind us._

 _We ran like never before, hyped up on adrenaline and desperation. We could hear him swearing and crashing behind us, occasionally shouting out curses. We ran blindly, finally ducking behind a log and setting down Howard. We were deeper than we'd ever been before, and I had no idea where we were._

 _We sat stock still as he passed us, breathing shallowly and praying he wouldn't notice._

 _Eventually the sounds faded, and we drifted off to sleep, to terrified to move._

-Flashback end-

After that night we stumbled through the forest for a few days, slowly starving.

On the third day we found a town. We were taken in by a old witch there, who after hearing our story, explained that it was too dangerous for us to go back, as people thought I was a traitor and the Death Eaters were still looking.

We stayed with her for a year, before I enrolled in Durmstrang under a glamour charm. After a second year, my siblings came too, and life was good. In my sixth year, however, life came crashing down.

Voldemort was on the rise and we needed to go back to Hogwarts. I didn't want to go, but Martha, the witch who found us, made me. Howard and Rose were excited to see our parents again, as they were both professors, but I still remembered they believed Charlus's lies and ignored us. I definitely didn't want to see Charlus again.

The train ride there was dull, except for a brief visit from a boy named Neville asking if we'd seen a girl called Hermione, before he realized he'd never met us before and we had no idea who Hermione was. As it turned out, we ended up friends with the two, as they were the only two people in our house, Gryffindor, that didn't worship Charlus. The year was pretty uneventful until last night, when Voldemort attacked. Then we were fighting for our lives. The older students were allowed to fight alongside the teachers, and the younger students were barricaded into the Great hall. We took up defense around the castle, but it was clear by morning we were loosing. Then Voldemort had called his forces to retreat, and gathered them outside the school doors. We had met them there, light against dark, a great divide running between our groups. Everyone had been silent until Voldemort had begun to speak, taunting the light, before the Potters, our former family, had come forward. Voldemort was still laughing at them, or more specifically, my brother. He still had arrogance in the face of fear.

"Come and face me! I can beat you!"

Voldemort laughed again, a high cold sound that cut through the courtyard. "You? You are but a weakling!"

Even terrified, my brother still puffed up. "I am the Chosen one! The Boy-Who-Lived!"

Voldemort stopped laughing, and a cold smile played on his lips. "Yes you are, aren't you? The one supposedly destined to defeat me. Or so the prophecy says: _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..."_

The Dark Lord's lips curled, and his scarlet eyes flashed with humor. "You have no extra power, and neither did your brother!"

Charlus's face darkened. "Don't bring my traitor brother into this!"

The Dark lord laughed again, high and heartless.

"Your traitor brother? Oh, the ignorance of the so-called light! Your brother died many years ago, at my hand. I heard you turned and ran that night, leaving your siblings at my mercy, while you saved yourself…"

Charlus spluttered. "I did no such thing!"

But the lie fell flat, and a muttered hush broke out among the light.

Voldemort waved his hand dismissively. "It matters not, now that I am truly invincible! I am the most powerful wizard there has ever been, and nothing may now oppose my path!"

He threw his arms to the heavens, and the Death Eaters cheered.

Charlus shouted, "I will defeat you! I am more powerful than you'll ever be!"

Laughter joined the cheering, but it soon petered out as the Dark Lord signaled for quiet.

"Foolish boy. I never wanted you."

"I am the Boy-Who-Lived!"

Voldemort smiled, and a few Death Eaters cackled. "Ah, how foolish you all are, trusting a single old man. Dumbledore, Dumbledore, always confident, sure in his decision… How delighted I was when I reawakened to find he had made a mistake! Getting to the real Boy-Who-Lived was even easier! Why, I might even get him on my side! But no, he was loyal to the end…" Voldemort's sadistic grin widened as he watched Charlus's face.

Voldemort raised his voice for all to hear and said, "I did not aim for him that night! I aimed for his twin brother with the killing-curse green eyes, who tried to protect him!"

The crowd gasped and shuffled, every eye turned to Charlus.

"And now no one can stop me, for Harry Potter is dead! Killed in a forest with his brother and sister six years ago! Killed as he sniveled at my feet, weak and helpless!"

For once, Charlus was too shocked to say anything.

I couldn't feel my legs. _Me,_ the Chosen one? The Boy-Who-Lived? Was it possible?

Then I remembered all the weird things I could do that no one else could. The apparating in Hogwarts, the multiple animagus forms, the disillusionment charm so powerful I was invisible…

 _He will have power the Dark Lord knows not…_

I turned to Rose and Howard, who were gaping at me open mouthed.

I swallowed. "I think it's time we make a reappearance."

Their astonished looks vanished and were replaced by steely determination similar to my own. I knew that they'd been waiting for this for a long time. Though I denied it, we all missed regular life. Life without secrets. I had always, deep down, sort of wanted my parents to know what had happened. I wanted them to know I hadn't betrayed them. I was positive the others felt the same way, though maybe for different reasons.

We began pushing through the crowd, who were all to shocked to protest. As we passed the Weasleys, we heard Charlus finally speak. "You're lying."

Voldemort cackled. "You have never shown any extraordinary talents! Even now you are below average, coasting on your fame! Your brother begged for mercy, but even then he fought back at first, before I broke him…"

The crowd burst out in fresh whispers, no doubt wondering how it had happened.

Charlus had no come back and fell silent. Finally, we pushed through the front line, walking to Charlus and our parents.

As we joined their side, Charlus glared at me. I ignored him. We had bigger problems than petty rivalry.

I turned to face the Dark Lord just as he began to speak. "And what have we here? Loyal fans?"

I couldn't help it. I snorted. Charlus hated me with passion, and I couldn't say the feeling wasn't mutual.

I stepped forward, and Rose and Howard came with me.

"You know, when you send your Death Eaters to do your dirty work, you really should check for bodies."

Lord Voldemort's eyes narrowed.

I began inspecting my nails with false confidence. "What if, hypothetically, one ten year old and two nine year olds were to overpower your Death Eaters and escape? God forbid anything like that ever happen…"

Voldemort's eyes were now scarlet slits. No one was talking, and both sides held their breath.

Voldemort looked up and down, seemingly recognizing me. "What do you have to do with this, Reddens? You are nothing but a petty mudblood."

Rose, Howard, and I smirked in unison. There was a reason we were all almost sorted in Slytherin. Time to put that cunning into play.

I smiled wider. "Glamour is a powerful thing, Tom."

I was glad we'd researched Tom Riddle, a.k.a. Lord Voldemort. We knew his weaknesses, and his fears.

We also knew how to make him angry.

I continued to smile. "On three?"

Out of the corner of my vision, I saw Rose and Howard nod.

"Three!"

We canceled the glamour charms, and I watched as our features changed. I grew taller, about an inch or so, and my hair changed from dirty blonde to midnight black. My eyes lightened from chocolate brown and turned vivid green. My very physique changed; I became leaner, better equipped for running. The other's changes were just as drastic. Rose's eyes went from brown to hazel, and her hair went from blonde to red and began to curl. They both grew taller and leaner, Howard gaining my midnight black hair and Rose's eyes.

When we were done, there was absolute silence. No one moved.

Voldemort's snakelike face showed shock. "Harry Potter…"

It was quiet, but everyone heard him. Then, all of a sudden, everyone burst into speech.

"Impossible!"

"He's dead!"

"It's the missing Potter siblings!"

"My babies!" Mother. That was definitely Mother.

"But he's a Death Eater!"

"SILENCE!" Voldemort shouted, enforcing a silencing charm with the word, because everyone suddenly stopped talking.

"So… You have come back to life… No matter, I shall still kill you…"

Voldemort began to circle, and by silent agreement, I followed.

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"I am immortal."

I smiled. It had taken a lot of time to hunt down the Horcruxes, not to mention destroy them.

"You mean the Horcruxes?"

Tom's eyes widened almost imperceptibly.

"You could not have found them! The protections were too great!"

In answer, I reached into my jacket.

As soon as Hufflepuff's cup hit the ground, I knew I had Tom's undivided attention.

By the time that the diadem and locket had joined the cup, Tom was beginning to panic.

The diadem had been the hardest. I had only found it through our connection, a condition I was beginning to have suspicions about.

I threw out the diary and the ring, letting them fall to the ground beside me.

"I haven't seen Nagini around, have you?"

Voldemort exploded, screaming and shooting sparks out of his wand.

"You dare-"

I cut across him. "Yes, I dare. You never learn, do you, Riddle?"

His wand hand tightened on the Elder Wand. His slender white fingers curled around the handle, like thin snakes to their prey.

"You have killed Nagini? I shall kill you for that… Your death is inevitable… You know what this is, correct?" He flicked the Elder Wand, and I felt my eyes involuntarily land on it.

He took my look for a yes, but explained anyway. "The Elder wand. Unbeatable in battle. You will fall today, Harry Potter!"

Gasps flew from the audience, or more specifically, those who knew what the Elder wand was.

"That's a myth!"

I didn't know who said it, but it came from the direction of the light.

Voldemort's Death Eaters and the man (if you could call him that) himself cackled.

"Myth, you say?" Voldemort shouted. "Maybe we should test it! Lord Voldemort, the greatest wizard to ever live, wielder of the Elder wand, against Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, so-called Chosen one!"

He met my eyes, vivid green on scarlet. "And now, we duel."

For a second neither of us moved. And then I lunged forward, casting as I went.

"Expelliarmus!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

I dodged the killing curse and ran straight at Voldemort, watching as he blocked my spell and raised his wand, expecting me to counter attack.

What he did not expect was for me to tackle him like a rugby player.

We crashed to the ground, I on top of him, wrestling for the wand tightly gripped in his hand. He did not cast a spell, because at such close quarters, doing so would undoubtedly harm him as well as me. We grappled, rolling on the ground, one over the other.

"Give it back, you insolent brat!"

Everyone was frozen, shocked by my unconventional methods.

By any means necessary, right?

I twisted the Elder wand, trying to force it out of Voldemort's grip, and multi-colored sparks shot out of the tip. This jarred the crowd, and everyone unfroze.

The light surged forward toward the Death Eaters, and I had just enough time to see arrows arc over the crowd before Voldemort screamed and disapparated, taking me with him.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

We appeared at the top of the astronomy tower, panting, a few feet apart. An early morning breeze blew through the tower, coming from the gaping hole in the north side. Voldemort rose to his feet, and I clambered up to meet him.

 **Ha ha ha ha! Yes, I'm ending it here! My evil side couldn't resist! Take that, evil writers who have previously tortured me with cliffhangers!**


	2. Slipped, did you?

**Disclaimer: Go back and look at the first chapter. JKR's, my friends.**

 **Harry's Sorting: Alternate (of course)**

"Potter, Harry!"

Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, walked up to the beaten up brown stool with three slightly uneven legs, glared at the people whispering throughout the hall, and sat down. Professor McGonagall carefully sat the hat down on Harry's head, and stepped back to wait for what she thought was inevitable. Harry Potter could never go anywhere but Gryffindor, as he was the savior of the wizarding world. Or so she thought.

"Mmm... Interesting, very interesting, Mr. Potter. I see that you are not what they all think you to be, as well as Miss Granger. Or would you prefer me to call your wife Mrs. Potter?"

To say Harry was shocked would be an understatement. "Mr. Hat, how do you know this?"

The hat paused before answering, and Harry got the feeling that it was enjoying himself.

"Why Mr. Potter, it is all here in your head, regardless of your esteemed occlumency skills."

Harry was worried now, but was trying not to show it. "Will you please just sort me? I would really like to go to the feast."

"Nice try, Mr. Potter. I cannot sort you or Mrs. Potter. For one, you both have been sorted before, and two, you are mentally over 25 years old. You have no purpose to go to this school as you already know things well beyond the curriculum."

Harry knew it was hopeless. He was not married to Hermione for nothing. "Would it be possible for me to convince you to sort us anyway?"

The hat chuckled. "I'm afraid not, Mr. Potter. As much as I would like to help you, Hogwarts rules forbid it."

Harry sighed. "I suppose that this won't set back our plans too badly. Do what you must."

The hat's brim opened wide, and for a second everyone in the hall held his or her breaths for the results of Harry's sorting.

"Headmaster, I'm afraid that this boy has no need for schooling here, as well as the young Mrs. Potter."

For a second the headmaster was shocked speechless. "What on earth do you mean, Alistair?"

The hat sighed. "I mean that Harry Potter and Hermione Potter nee Granger have no need for Hogwarts schooling as they have already mastered the curriculum."

The headmaster frowned. "But surely there is no way they have learned everything! Miss Granger is a muggle born for Merlin's sake!"

Alistair responded, "I'm afraid both children are older than they look."

If there was anything the great hall wasn't expecting, it was that.

Albus drew his wand. "Do you mean to tell me that these two children are impostors?"

The hat rushed to fix this notion. "No, No, not at all! That is definitely Harry Potter and Hermione Potter nee Granger, if a slightly older version."

Hermione rushed to stand by Harry, and they both faced the headmaster in slightly defensive positions. Albus leveled his wand at the two of them.

"Explain."

In unison, Harry and Hermione smiled. Hermione's grin widened as Harry began to speak. "Well, you see, Hermione and I were happily married, and thinking about maybe having children someday, everything was good, when one day I decided to go see the the Department of Mysteries. They had just opened it up for tours, and Hermione and I wanted to see what juicy secrets the unspeakables had squirreled away down there."

Harry paused and Hermione picked up the story. "My idiot-"

"Hey!"

"-husband decided that he just had to see the veil, and after I specifically told him it was a bad idea-"

"Hey, it would have been perfectly fine if you hadn't fallen in-"

"Harry! Stop interrupting and act your age!"

A wide grin spread across Harry's face. Hermione saw it and scowled. "Your mental age, not your physical age!"

Harry pouted.

"Anyway, I slipped-"

"Slipped, did you?"

"Shut up, or I'll make you."

Harry swallowed.

"Back to what I was saying, I slipped and fell into the veil of death. Harry, being the sweet husband he was, followed me. Next thing we knew, we're back in our eleven year old bodies, and back in 1991."

Albus Dumbledore took a minute to compose himself before turning back to the couple. "How old are you really?"

Harry answered, "I'm really 26, but I'm gonna be eleven and immature while I have an excuse!"

Hermione slapped the back of his head. "Behave! For all we know, we could die soon!"

The smile slipped off Harry's face, and a dark look that definitely didn't belong on an eleven year old replaced it.

"I've had plenty of death, thank you very much."

Hermione sighed. "Headmaster, do you know what we should do? If it helps, we were both in Gryffindor last time."

Harry blushed. "Actually..."

Hermione turned to look at her husband. "What, Harry?"

"The hat really wanted to put me in Slytherin, and I had to talk it out of it. Thankfully I'd met Draco beforehand, and he put me off that house. Otherwise I'd never have met you and Ron."

Hermione looked mildly surprised, but then she smiled. "You always did have a cunning side. Remember Fudge?"

Harry snorted.


	3. Things I almost remember

**Disclaimer: Do I look blonde, rich and famous to you? I'm not JKR, people, however blonde I may be.**

Hermione Granger was reading.

She paused, turning the last page of the last book, Harry Potter and half blood prince.

Harry, Ron, and herself were now 17, and on the run. However, Harry had lost his memory.

All of it.

They had been walking along in shell cottage, when suddenly he collapsed. When Harry woke up, he hadn't remembered anything. They were reading the books in hope of jogging his memory, but they were starting to loose hope. After all, Harry had shown no signs of getting better, and they had already read five books.

Well, practically six, because they were almost done with the book in Hermione's hands. This was the last chapter, and Hermione had given up. If Harry was going to remember, it would have happened by now. She looked down at the last paragraph, sighing.

Ron shot her a worried and sympathetic glance, and shook his head. His message was clear.

 _It's not going to happen. What are we going to do?_

Hermione looked sadly at her best friend. Harry was staring at the table, frowning.

Suddenly, Harry mumbled, "Hermione…"

Hermione's hopes skyrocketed. What if he was remembering something?

Ron shared her look of hope.

Well, at least until Harry finished his sentence.

"Hermione, I think I've got a headache. Can we take a break?"

Hopes crashing, Hermione said, "No, we're almost finished. We might as well complete it. We've only got a paragraph left."

Hermione tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice, but she failed miserably.

Harry looked sympathetically at her. "I'm sorry. If I could remember I would tell you, but I don't."

Hermione looked back at the book.

 _I WILL finish,_ she thought, _and I will not cry until afterward._

Resolutely, she started the paragraph.

" **His hand closed automatically around the fake Horcrux, but in spite of everything, in spite of the dark and twisting path he saw stretching ahead for himself, in spite of the final meeting with Voldemort he knew must come, whether in a month, in a year, or in ten, he felt his heart lift at the thought that there was still one last golden day of peace left to enjoy with Ron and Hermione."**

On the last word, her name, Hermione's voice cracked. Would they ever get their friend back?

Suddenly, Harry gasped. His emerald green eyes were wide with shock for a nanosecond, before they rolled back into his head and he passed out.

"Harry!" Hermione was out of her chair in an instant, and by Harry's side.

"Harry, please… Please wake up! We need you!"

Harry's eyelids flickered and he groaned. "Ermione, gerrof me!"

He sat straight up.

"Harry, do you remember anything? Anything at all?"

"Hermione, why wouldn't I remember?" Harry was frowning at her.

"Harry, we read books about your life to jog your memory."

"I… Don't remember." Harry looked mildly puzzled.

Hermione slapped a hand to her forehead. "So you remember everything? All our adventures?"

Harry looked at her weirdly. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because… Because- Oh, Merlin damn it all!" Hermione shouted.

Ron stared at her open mouthed. "Hermione? Are you okay? You never- like _ever_ \- curse!"

Hermione threw her hand to the sky and growled, "Oh, Bloody hell- I, Merlin, I GIVE UP!"

She could have sworn someone up there laughed at her.

It was just so infuriating, having read all the books, having her hopes shattered, and the Harry waking up and acting like everything was fine. Everything was most certainly not fine! She had almost lost one of her best friends, and here he was, not even remembering it!

And the things they had learned from those books- Ooh, how they made her blood boil- the Dursleys were going to get it for how they had treated Harry. She was going to find that cupboard and burn it!

While Hermione held her head in her hands, Harry began looking at the books on the table.

"Hey, Hermione?"

" _What_ , Harry?"

"These books- they're all about me!"

Hermione sighed. "Yes, Harry. That's what I tried to tell you. You forgot everything and we had to read those books to make you remember."

"Oh."

"Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Yes, Harry?" Hermione's already thin patience was starting to snap, and it showed in her exasperated tone.

"Can we read them?"

"ARGH!" Hermione's patience shattered. Ron just watched open mouthed.

"I'll take that as a no, then."

Hermione began to pace. To Harry, it seemed like frustration seeped off her.

"I can't believe it! This is just so infuriating! What's next? A dementor in a pink tutu come to steal our souls?"

Harry snickered at the thought of a dementor in a pink tutu. It seemed that his memories hadn't quite settled back in yet, leaving him a little… for lack of a better word, _loopy_.

Ron, who was still watching events play out open mouthed, shuddered, and passed out.

Harry was immediately by his side. "Ron! Ron! Wake up, mate!"

Hermione stopped pacing and dropped to her knees by Ron next to Harry. "Ron! Ronald Weasley, you wake up this instant!"

Ron groaned.

"Come on, Ron, wake up, mate."

Ron's eyes fluttered open and he sat upright. As soon as he looked around, he asked, "Who're you?"

As soon as he said this, a pile of books appeared on the coffee table. Emblazoned across the title of the top most one was the words: _RONALD WEASLEY AND THE BEST GAME OF CHESS HOGWARTS HAS EVER SEEN, by J. K. Rabenhourst._

Below that was an emblem proclaiming the book a number one New Mexico best seller.

Hermione's head connected with the wooden table with a groan.

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 **Yay! Three one shots in one day! That's got to be a record! Now that my computer is finally working, I can actually publish! *smiles***


	4. Dad?

**Disclaimer: I, mysterious, possibly female,** **fanfiction** **author, do not own Harry Potter.**

It was a normal day in the great hall. Well- as normal as is possible in a school full of adolescent wizards and witches. The Slytherins were currently sporting red and gold hair courtesy of James Potter, and the Gryffindors, minus Lily Potter, were snickering behind their hands.

Lily was waiting in anticipation. She knew that her brother, Albus, was finally fed up with James' antics. A Slytherin, Albus was usually fairly nice despite house stigma, and Lily knew people tended to overlook him. They thought him something of an oddity, with his penchant for smiling at the oddest times and his good-natured banter with Scorpius Malfoy.

Lily knew better.

Albus could be downright ruthless. With cunning hidden under a kind exterior, he was a foe to be reckoned with. James was about to face his brother's wrath.

Lily caught Albus' eye from across the hall. Despite his badly clashing hair, Albus looked smug. She raised a questioning eyebrow.

Albus smirked and mouthed back, "Wait and see."

His eyes then flicked to James expectantly. Lily gazed down the Gryffindor bench at her other brother, trying to guess if the distance was enough. She risked another look at Albus.

Definitely not. He looked murderous.

Lily shivered.

Snatching a roll from in front of her, Lily moved as far as she possibly could from James before settling down next to Carly Finnegan. Carly was nice enough, even if she had inherited her father's proclivity for pyrotechnics. Besides, Carly's wand wasn't out, and this wasn't potions or transfiguration, so Lily figured she was safe enough.

Almost as soon as Lily had reconnected with the bench, there was a bang. A shockwave rippled through the Gryffindor table, with the epicenter at James Potter. Lily, fortunately, was far enough away to avoid the affects, but James wasn't so lucky. He got the full blast of what was no doubt Albus' finest retaliation yet.

James' hair, previously black and fine, was now a writhing mass of green and silver snakes. His robes were now green, proclaiming in pink letters: SLYTHERIN RULES GRYFFINDOR DROOLS!

All the other Gryffindors near the center of the blast were also sporting snakes, but none had the complete makeover James did.

The Slytherins, forgetting their hair, snickered at the Gryffindors.

Albus threw a satisfied smirk at his glaring brother.

James shouted back, "You're on!"

Lily, realizing this meant yet another prank war, dropped her head into her hands.

Albus replied, "Let the best player win!"

The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws shared Lily's sentiments as a collective groan swept the hall.

Headmistress McGonagall fired a noisemaker above the hall. "Settle down please, lest my poor old eardrums burst."

Quiet was slowly reaffirmed as people came to terms with another month of ceaseless pranking.

Lily was about to grab another roll when a peculiar light filled the hall. Thinking it another prank, Lily looked at Albus and James, but they looked just as bewildered as she.

The great hall fell silent as the faint sounds of arguing could be heard.

"… Is all your fault!"

Emerging from the light were two figures. They were faded and misty, rather like ghost, but in full, if somewhat faded, color. As they became clearer, it was apparent they were both boys, in their teens, wearing robes. One, a blonde clad in Slytherin colors, was glaring at the other, a black-haired boy in Gryffindor robes.

"This is all your fault, Scarhead!"

"If you hadn't been an idiot, Ferret, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

The Slytherin scowled. "How was I to know that the ball of light would be dangerous?"

The black-haired teen put on a mocking tone. "Oh, I don't know, maybe COMMON SENSE!"

The blonde crossed his arms. "Oh, so you're an expert on the forbidden forest now?"

The Gryffindor replied scathingly, "No, but I do know enough not to go around touching random balls of light that could be portkeys!"

The Slytherin's mouth fell open. "You were the one who said we should go investigate-"

The Gryffindor interrupted him. "And then you had to drag me with you to Merlin knows where, and now we're stuck!"

They seemed to take no notice of the shocked hall around them, and continued to argue.

"Listen, Potter-"

Lily's eyes widened.

"No, you listen, Malfoy-"

He looked like he wanted to say more, but the blonde noticed their audience. He let out a panicked squeak.

"What now, Malfoy?"

It took a moment for the Gryffindor to realize what was going on, but when he did, his eyes widened, and he let out a shocked, "Bloody hell!"

Both boys considered the great hall for a moment before stepping closer together and drawing their wands.

Headmistress McGonagall, who before now had remained silent, said, "Who are you? How did you get here?"

Both teens glanced at each other before seemingly realizing how close they were and stepping away.

The black-haired teen gave McGonagall a sheepish smile. "We know we're supposed to be in detention with Hagrid, Professor, but Malfoy touched this portal thing and we ended up here."

Malfoy scowled.

McGonagall looked confused. "Who are you, young man?"

The Gryffindor looked bewildered. "Harry Potter, ma'am, and this is Draco Malfoy."

There was a stunned silence, before James and Scorpius both said, "Dad?"

Harry's head whipped toward James, while Draco looked toward Scorpius.

For a moment nobody said anything. Then Harry smacked a hand to his forehead. "Great. Just Great. We've gone to the future."

Draco let out a pitiful whimper.

Harry gave him a disdainful look before massaging his temples. "Why does this always happen to me? Stuck in the future with Malfoy. How do I get myself into these situations? Is the Potter line cursed and somebody forgot to tell me?"

He looked extremely exasperated.

Draco slid to the floor.

Scorpius continued to stare at his much younger father in disbelief.

Harry sighed.

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 **This was fun to write. I kept cackling at seemingly random times, much to the confusion of surrounding non-evil humans.**


	5. Fickle magic

**Disclaimer: Do my somewhat incomplete** **grammatical** **skills look** **like** **that of a world famous professional writer to you? If so, I can recommend a wonderful eye doctor in Texas. JKR's, however much I wish otherwise.**

The Marauder's Map never lies.

Ever.

Harry Potter knew this. He understood it. It was a fundamental part of life. It was just like the fact that his name was Harry Potter, he went to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, his relatives were nasty muggles, Draco Malfoy was his arch nemesis and he was the Boy-Who-Lived. All of these things were ingrained in him as absolute truth.

So when two of them disagreed with each other, Harry Potter was left in a bit of, as the muggles say, a pickle.

What had started as a normal day had rapidly descended in to chaos.

Well, at least it was the current Harry Potter definition of a normal day. The Dark Lord wasn't trying to kill him (could that even be considered abnormal anymore? It had happened quite a bit…) and Snape wasn't parading around in a pink tutu. Therefore, on the Harry Potter scale of crazy, today was pretty average.

Granted, Harry was currently holding a secret meeting in a room that could change itself to fit your needs- secret because he was going against Umbridge. Umbridge was a ministry official with an obsession with pink, who had infiltrated Hogwarts to stop the students from forming an army and going against the Minister, Fudge.

On second thought, maybe slightly crazy.

Still, Harry had had crazier things happen, and he wasn't about to complain about what was, so far, a fairly normal day.

It wasn't meant to last.

Harry carefully opened the door of the Room of Requirement, map at the ready. As he stepped out into the corridor, he scanned the map for Filch or The High Inquisitor, Madam Umbridge.

Finding the student deemed 'pink toad' in her office and Filch on the second floor, Harry motioned for the DA to come out into the hallway.

Harry whispered, "The coast is clear. Filch is on the second floor and Umbridge is in her office."

Everyone relaxed, and some nodded to Harry before taking off down the corridor. Soon the only people left were the leaders of the DA themselves: Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Hermione smiled at her friends. "I guess we can head back to the common room now. That was a great lesson, Harry."

Harry blushed and nodded his head at the praise, a half smile on his face. "Just one moment, Hermione, let me make sure everyone got back and Filch hasn't decided to suddenly go on the prowl."

Harry quickly reopened the map, muttering the pass phrase.

"Looks like everyone is good, although why Abbot and Macmillan stopped in a broom closet is beyond me…" Harry trailed off, staring transfixed at the map.

"Harry?" Ron asked.

Harry didn't react.

Ron frowned and looked over Harry's shoulder. "You okay, mate?"

As if Ron's words had started a fire, Harry's head snapped up. White with disbelief, he pointed a finger to where they were standing on the map. "Look."

Obliging their friend, Ron and Hermione did just that.

Emblazoned in clear ink, right where the trio stood, were the names Salazar Slytherin, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Godric Gryffindor.

Hermione was the first to break out of her trance. "T-that's not possible. The map is wrong."

As if underwater, Ron mumbled, "The map is never wrong."

"Well, this time it obviously is! We're not the founders!" Hermione screeched.

It seemed that finally, after five years, she had reached her limit for the strange occurrences that followed Harry like bees to honey.

Her screech also set off Ron. "How do you explain that, then? Well!?"

For a moment Hermione looked ready to explode. "It's probably just a prank!"

"Guys."

"How do you prank the Marauder's Map? It hasn't left Harry's sight for weeks! Unless you're saying he did it!"

"Well, Ronald, I know I'm not hundreds of years old, so it's obviously wrong. My name isn't Rowena!"

"Guys."

"The map never lies! You heard Lupin!"

"I also heard him say he made it when he was in school! He's not a professional enchanter, Ronald, he could have made a mistake!"

"GUYS!"

Ron and Hermione stopped arguing and turned to Harry.

Harry sighed. "Look, it's getting late, and we're already out past curfew. Lets just go back to the common room and we can discuss it there."

Ron and Hermione looked at each other.

"Fine."

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Harry got up and began to pace. On the map, which he'd neglected to close, a dot titled Salazar Slytherin began to move back and forth.

"I just don't get it," Harry said, running his fingers through his hair. "Why those names, and why now?"

The Golden Trio had already ruled out a prank, as it didn't make sense and they couldn't find a motive. That left either a malfunctioning map, or something else that they weren't even going to consider.

They sat in the empty common room, arranged on the fluffy red armchairs by the fire. Ron was picking at a loose string on the cushion of his, and Hermione was staring at the fire like it had personally wronged her. Neither was really listening to Harry, lost in their thoughts just like he was.

Harry stopped pacing and turned to face Ron. "Maybe we were chosen by someone to represent the Founders and that's why the map changed? Gah, that doesn't even make sense to me."

Ron gave a non-committal grunt.

Hermione looked up. "Maybe the Founders sent themselves forward and lost their memories?"

Harry gave her a disbelieving look. "So you're saying that I'm Salazar Slytherin?"

That sentence had two interesting side affects. The first was that Harry collapsed.

The second was far less noticeable- at first. When Harry Potter said that he was Salazar Slytherin, magic, ever fickle and confusing, took it as a go ahead.

With magic, anything is possible. Unfortunately for Harry, that included reincarnation.

Memories of a past life, a life as Salazar Slytherin, flooded Harry Potter's mind. Like any self respecting Gryffindor, he groaned. Then he remembered that he was actually a Slytherin- the Slytherin, in fact- and his groan turned in to a hiss. Despite his inner Gryffindor-Slytherin battle, it still BLOODY HURT!

Sill hissing, he sat up. And then promptly started cursing in Parseltongue when his head connected with Hermione's, who was leaning over him.

"Harry, are you okay?" Hermione asked, looking worriedly at him. "It wasn't Voldemort, was it?"

Harry massaged his head. "No, it wasn't Tom…"

Ron and Hermione exchanged worried glances.

"Well, what was it then, mate?" Ron asked.

Harry kept massaging his forehead while he gave them a calculating look. It was quite an achievement that he didn't end up looking like a total moron, as rubbing your forehead while trying to look cunning can be quite difficult. He managed it, however. He was a Slytherin, after all, and he had an image to uphold.

Biting his lip, Harry said, "Say you are the founder you represent."

Before they had really thought it through, both had done it. Harry looked mildly surprised. He had expected them to at least ask why. Apparently he needed to work on their gullibility and self-preservation.

Like Harry, they both promptly collapsed.

Harry watched them for a moment, seemingly unconcerned his two best friends had just passed out.

Ron was the first to stir. "Bloody hell, Sal, a little warning would have been nice!"

"Sorry," said Harry, sounding wholly unconcerned.

Hermione, now fully awake, sat up. "For once, I agree with Godric. Warn us next time."

"Sorry, Row," Harry said sheepishly.

Ron, now Godric, glared at Harry turned Salazar.

Rowena, who was formerly Hermione, smiled. "At least we know what the map was on about."

Salazar leaned back on an armchair. "It's the small things in life."

"So, Sal, Row, what do we do now?" Gryffindor looked between them, expecting, like many times before, for a plan to be already in motion.

Salazar smirked. "Why, we wreak havoc on the Wizarding world, of course."

Three smiles turned downright devious.

High up in a tower at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a meddlesome old headmaster shivered.

 **Yay! My summer boredom has spawned another one shot! It shall be forever immortalized in the world of the internet, torturing generations to come! *grins***


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